


Can't keep a good lich down

by LuckyBlueHeart



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, TAZ Villainswap, Villainswap AU, he's ok tho he's a lich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 04:34:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13756404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyBlueHeart/pseuds/LuckyBlueHeart
Summary: This is my entry for Najsigt's 5000 Follower Villainswap Contest!(Go to http://najsigt.tumblr.com/tagged/taz-swap for more info on the AU! It's really good, I highly recommend it)I played around with a few different headcanons in these, I'll put them at the beginning of each part so nobody gets confusedEdit: This fic won second place in the contest!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Headcanons for Chapter 1:  
> \- Sloane is still just a fighter, but she's a half-elf  
> \- John is a warlock with 1 or 2 levels in cleric so he can heal (sometimes)  
> \- Edward is a rogue, specifically an arcane trickster  
> \- I feel like Edward would still be a lich in this AU, I think he'd be the first person Lydia would've come to with her plan  
> \- Lucas is a lot less witty and sarcastic than Kravitz (he sure is cute when he's frustrated tho)

“What do you mean,  _ back _ to the astral plane…?”

Edward, Sloane, and John lay on the ground, paralyzed, as the crystal golem lumbered closer to them. The golem sighed, stopping a few feet from their bodies. “Oh, playing dumb, huh? Well that’s not going to help anything - the Raven Queen has a price on your head and it’s my job to collect it.” There was an odd note of pride in his voice.

“Are you...sure you’ve got the right people?” Sloane piped up, barely managing to lift her head despite the paralyzation, “We’re from this plane, and we’ve never died before, right gang?” The other two nodded in agreement.

“Really? You  _ really _ think so?” The golem sounded strangely offended as he conjured his book again and flipped through it.

“Sloane, age 35, half-elf fighter. You have died a total of 19 times.”

There was a shocked silence around the room. “I don’t…” Sloane said, “That doesn’t sound right...again, are you sure we’re the ones you’re looking fo-”

The golem cut her off. “John, age 40, human warlock. You - and this is a fun number - you have died  _ 57 times _ .”

John blinked a few times, then stammered out, “Th-that’s a ridiculous number! I can’t have died that many times!”

“Oh, trust me, I know. It’s my job to round up necromancers and escapees and I’ve never seen numbers like these! Never, in hundreds of years!” The golem was getting angry, his voice starting to crack slightly.

“Well...what about me?” Edward chimed in, “I haven’t been mentioned yet, does that mean I’m free to go..?” He threw in a wink at the golem for good measure.

“Ohh no,” The golem said, sounding even angrier, somehow, “no no no  _ you _ , Edward, age 120, elven rogue - you, on top of dying 23 times...you’re a  _ lich _ !”

The sentence was completely incomprehensible to all of them. They heard the words this golem said, they understood them, but...the concept refused to string itself together in their minds.

Edward seemed lost for words, for possibly the first time in his life. He tried to speak, defend himself, but...something inside him stopped him. Something primal and terrified had begun ripping his insides apart, and he noticed his body was shaking despite the paralyzing curse.

His cane was shaking too, somehow, from where it had fallen a few feet away. The polished wood clattered against the floor.

Taking his silence for confirmation, the golem closed the book with a snap. “Now then…” A dimensional rift appeared next to him, and he reached inside to pull out a gleaming scythe. “Let’s make this quick.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanons for Chapter 2:  
> \- June is less anxious than Angus is, she's a lot more willing to make dumb mistakes  
> \- Edward I think would be more fatherly than Taako was  
> \- Brian removed any memories of Lydia, but he kept memories of Keats. It was too important to Edward's personality
> 
> Extra notes: June is too cute and I made myself cry writing this chapter

The mid-morning sun streamed through the windows of the Bureau of Balance mess hall. Edward sat at one of the tables, drumming his fingers rhythmically on the table as he waited.

“Sir, sir!”

The excited yell from across made Edward look up, and he saw a small girl in a sunny yellow dress running towards him.

June’s sheriff badge bounced where it was pinned on her chest as she ran, and she reached up so that her little cowboy hat didn’t fall off her head. She reached Edward’s table and smiled up at him, a bit out of breath. “Good morning, sir! It’s magic day!”

Edward smiled back at her, leaning his elbow on the table. “It sure is, Junebug. You got a foci like I told you to?”

June rummaged around in her dress pockets for a few seconds, sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth as she searched, then pulled something out. “Here it is!”

The thing she’d chosen to channel her magic through was a small plastic cap-gun. It looked like she’d picked it up at the Fantasy 7-11, cheap silvery-gray with a bright, uneven orange tip. Proudly, she aimed it up at her teacher’s torso.

Edward blinked a few times, then he put his hand up to his mouth and started to giggle. “Watch it, little lady, you don’t wanna actually kill me, do ya?”

“Don’t worry, sir, it’s fake! I put orange paint on the tip, see?” She pointed at the bright neon coloring on the end, smiling proudly. “That way, nobody will think it’s a _real_ gun! Safety of civilians is always a sheriff’s first priority!”

Edward snorted, then reached over and ruffled her hair. “You’re adorable, kiddo.” He stood up and stretched, then relaxed and threw a finger gun at June. “Alright, ready to get started?”

 

\--- --- --- ---

 

After about a week of magic training, Edward decided to switch things up a bit. “No magic today, Junebug. Instead...I’m gonna teach ya how to sew!”

June looked up at him, seeming a bit confused. “Sewing, sir? But how will that help me protect people…?”

“Well...it _probably_ won’t. But it’s a good way to hone dexterity! Besides, I gotta pass my many talents on to someone, right?” Looking awkward suddenly, he looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “We, uh...we don’t have to, if you don’t want to...it was just something I used to do a lot with my little bro, figured it’d be a good bonding experience..”

But June smiled up at him, cutting him off from his ramblings. “I’m happy to learn anything you want to teach me, sir!”

The two sat, hours later, in comfortable silence. Edward was re-stitching one of Sloane’s jackets (she’d gotten a tear in it in a recent battle), while June worked on a small pillow. She had to admit, it was very relaxing, but...something had been bothering her since they’d started.

“Sir...what happened to your brother?”

Edward jumped, shaken out of his focus, and looked over at June. Before he could say anything, she continued, “I’ve heard you mention him a few times, and you always seem to get sad when you talk about him…”

A rare solemn look crossed the elf’s face, and he looked down at the ground. “He, ah...he died, sweetheart. He got sick...some sort of genetic disease, I think.”

“Oh…”

There was a short moment of silence, before June spoke up once again. “What was his name?”

“Well, his real name was some long fancy elven name, but...I just called him Keats.” A sad smile broke his lips. “He was so full of life before that...He played the violin, practiced spells with me, distracted store owners while I stole food for us…”

June returned to her stitchwork, avoiding her teacher’s eyes. “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean…”

But before she could finish the sentence, she felt two long arms pull her in for a tight hug. After a moment, she hugged back gently, feeling her teacher shaking slightly.

“Junebug, do me a favor and...stay alive as long as you can, alright?” His voice was shaking too.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, just listening to each other breathing. Then,before she knew it, Edward let go and stood up again. He wiped his face with one hand, avoiding looking at June.

“I...think that’s enough for today, kiddo. Can’t have ya thinkin’ I have emotions or something, can I?” He laughed gently, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Then, he headed towards the door.

“Take tomorrow off, Junebug. You’ve earned a break.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter sort of, in a round-about way, discusses Edward killing himself. It's not graphic, but proceed with caution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanons for Chapter 3:  
> \- I came up with some different names for things in this AU  
>  *The Voidweaver: Brian's memory-erasing spider  
>  *The Overgrowth: Originally known as Pan, but I thought this would be a more intimidating name for it  
> \- You fucked up a perfectly good lich, look at him he has anxiety

Really, the hardest part had been convincing Sloane not to follow him into the forest. “I’ll be fine,” he had said, “I’ve survived on my own for longer, I promise I’ll be there when the reset happens.”

Admittedly, he had...twisted his words a small amount.

It was true, he did intend to search the forest for anything else they might need. Just...not in the way Sloane or John would have guessed.

Normally, he would have hesitated a lot more (at least that’s what he told himself). It was safe, honestly, he was going to die again at the end of the hour anyway. What harm could dying a little earlier do? And besides...he had to know.

At the end of every hour, as he and his friends fell into the earth and were crushed to death, Edward had felt...something, before the reset. He couldn’t quite put it into words, but...there was some sort of freedom between the moment his body died and the moment the entire town reset. The others had mentioned death feeling slightly familiar, too, but...this was different. This was something else entirely.

And so that’s how Edward found himself jumping off the top of the tallest tree he could find.

He never felt his body hit the ground. Maybe his soul had ejected itself in a moment of panic. Maybe that was just how it felt to die. Whatever the cause was, Edward found himself floating gently a few feet above the forest floor, a red robe billowing around him, his crumpled body motionless on the ground.

Lifting his hand, he looked at it in shock - It was thin and skeletal, no skin or muscles to be seen. He reached up to touch his face, but all he could feel was bone.

Reaper boy had been right. He was a lich.

Why hadn’t he remembered? Being an undead monstrosity seemed like the sort of thing a person would know, right…? How and  _ when _ had this happened?

And then, as he dug back into his memories...he remembered.

The IPRE. The light of creation. The Overgrowth. It had all been taken from his mind somehow, but now in his undead form he could remember. Sloane and John and Brian and Jenkins (oh gods, what had happened to Jenkins?) were all there, but where was Maarvey? Where was…

...Lydia.

_ Gods, how could he have forgotten about Lydia? _

They still hadn’t found her, after all this time. Had her memory been erased too? Was she out there somewhere, wandering, with no idea who she was?

Or was she…

He didn’t want to think about the other options. He  _ couldn’t _ think of the other options, his mind spinning wildly as a century of stolen memories rushed back into his head all at once.  _ Who the fuck had done this? _

Edward could feel himself unravelling with each passing moment, arcs of black energy shooting off of him, scoring against the trees surrounding him. 

Then it hit him.

Brian. The Voidweaver. There was nothing else that could have hidden so much from them.  _ Bri, what the fuck did you do? _

And as the clock struck noon in the town below, the ground opened up again, pulling Edward’s lifeless body down into the depths. Furious with himself, Edward let out a scream...it came out much more  _ monstrous _ than he’d intended.

He exploded in a rush of energy just as the hour reset.

 

\--- --- --- ---

 

Sloane sat up in the white space, heart racing. She had grown used to the resets by now, the feeling of being burned and crushed to death, but...something had been different that time.

There had always been a roar at the end of the reset, huge and terrifying from somewhere underground, but this time there’d been a second one. It had been screeching, full of pain. It had almost sounded like…

She stood up and wheeled around to face her friends.

John was sitting up, rubbing his head. This reset had been harder on him too, it seemed. But Edward…

Edward was already sitting up, shaking like a leaf, staring straight ahead of him. There were tears in his eyes.

“Ed, what happened?!”

The half-shout shook him back to reality, and he looked up at her, eyes wide. “Wh-what? What do you m-mean, what happened..?”

The sound of his own voice seemed to shock him, and he reached up to touch his face. Feeling the tears at the corners of his eyes, he blinked a few times and wiped them away. “What in the hell…?”

He knew he had discovered something important, something crucial to their survival, but...whatever it was, he couldn’t remember any of it. Whatever emotions he had been feeling, his mind didn’t seem to be able to comprehend a reason.

“Edward…” Sloane kneeled down next to her friend, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Are you ok…? Did something happen out there…?”

He looked up at her, panic quickly filling his eyes. “I…”

“...I don’t know.”


End file.
